Setting Boundaries: the importance of consistency

Come on own up, we’ve all done it – we’ve all bent the rules at some time, or put another way, pushed a boundary! We all know the speed limit on the motorway is 70mph, but most of us drive at 75 or 80mph, which in our minds is an acceptable personal boundary when driving. Equally, most of us would agree that 95mph is not acceptable.

So what are boundaries? We are governed by them all the time and they are an important part of daily life. The dictionary offers the best description – an often imaginary line that marks the edge or limit of something. In a nutshell, what we think is acceptable and what is not. This is a process we start to learn as soon as we can think and make choices – when we are a toddler!

Toddlers have to learn about boundaries, which is not easy for them as it’s an abstract concept that doesn’t exist in babyhood. It’s made worse for them because they have just discovered they can make choices, and are quite mobile; worse still for parents, toddlers have no concept of danger or fear so some of their choices can be fatal. This is not the child’s fault. They need help in making choices so they can learn what is safe and what is not, as well as what is acceptable in a wide range of situations. Clearly, no child can put their finger into a plug socket, or run out into a busy road, whereas one more sweet than you would prefer them to have at grandma’s maybe less than ideal but it is hardly life-threatening. There are hundreds of situations and circumstances in between, and it tends to be these more grey areas that cause the most problems for parents, but there are ways to make the process easier. Easier is the key here; there are no quick fixes at this age, and some say it is the most demanding and exhausting stage of a child’s development, especially if you have a very active child.

So how do they learn to make wiser choices? Simply by doing something and checking your response – your boundaries – and this is often where things can start to go wrong.

If possible, before your baby becomes a toddler, sit down with your partner, or those who are involved in providing care and agree what the boundaries are to be. We all have our own standards and you may be surprised just how different your opinions are. The key is that you both agree, and once you have, stick to it. Both of you should be realistic in your expectations, both of your partner and your child. Be prepared to compromise, just how important is it really?

How many times have you heard frustrated parents say ‘She knows she’s not supposed to do it, but she does. I’m sure she’s trying to get at me’ or, ‘I say “no” and he just laughs and does it again, he’s just being deliberately naughty’. What is happening is in fact quite different. The toddler is learning. Without any way to measure danger or acceptability, other than by experience here is a typical example. The child picks up an object and turns to you. You say, “No, put it down please.” The child does, and then looks at you again whist picking up the object. Far from being “naughty”, the child is asking you to confirm he is not allowed to pick up the object. Is it a fingers in the plug situation, or another sweet at grandma’s situation? Your response will help your child decide. To reinforce the boundary, your child may well repeat the process in front of his dad. If they don’t react, then we have a flexible boundary. Mum says no, dad doesn’t. In other words, don’t pick up the object when mum’s around. This is why you should agree together about what really matters! Boundaries may well be different in friends’ or relations’ homes, so something that is allowed at home may not be elsewhere, or the other way round. This can be confusing or frustrating for toddlers, but with your support, they will quickly learn about their life and expected behaviour.

CASE STUDY
Some boundaries are incredibly subtle for a young person to work out. Let’s look at this example:
Emily is 15 months old. She is busily eating some raisins with her fingers and playing a game, placing raisins on her high chair, which is on a clean laminate floor. She drops a raisin and bends down to pick it up. As she does so, she looks over to her mum who smiles, indicating the raisin can be eaten, so Emily puts it in her mouth and continues to eat and play. We asked Corinne about this, who said, ‘Oh, Emily knows she can’t eat food if she drops it outside – I’d instantly say, “Not now, Yuk! Put it down, – dirty”’. Emily is having to learn that when she drops food on the floor it depends where it lands as to whether she can eat it or not. In her world this is a very subtle distinction. No wonder she looked to her mother for guidance!

BASIC RULES FOR SUCCESS WHEN SETTING BOUNDARIES

• Make them clear and consistent at all times
• Make them attainable for the age of your child
• Be patient and fair
• Ensure both parents agree and will support each other
• Make sure the same rules apply to other siblings